I wish it were different For your sake and mine
by Dancer31496
Summary: "Her heart stopped. He was there. Right in front of her. She was now silently cursing herself for making the decision that it was absolutely necessary to go out to lunch. She was positive she needed a break, yeah look where that got her." Starts out a little lighter, with a little more humor. But trust me, it will develop amore angst. Hope y'all enjoy. :
1. Chapter 1

Her heat stopped.

He was there. Right in front of her.

She was now silently cursing herself for making the decision that it was absolutely necessary to go out to lunch. She was positive she needed a break, yeah look where that friggin got her.

She couldn't breathe. Literally.

He hadn't seen her yet.

She wanted to run, to cry, to shout, to do SOMETHING.

But, nothing happened and nothing came out.

Eventually though, she did manage to start shooting daggers at him through her eyes.

That was about the time he turned around and noticed her standing there.

Now, she was screwed.

Nowhere to go, nowhere to run.

She felt glued to the floor. God, she was pissed.

She wished she had the energy to unholster her gun. She would shoot his ass.

Maybe even IN the ass. If she could get him to turn back around.

Wouldn't that be convenient.

It's funny, she thought, she could positively ID him even from the back.

That was sad. She wished she didn't know him that well.

Oh God, he was moving in her direction.

What the fuck was he thinking?

Asshole.

Now, she thought, would be the perfect fucking time to regain access to her body. She needed to get the hell out of there.

His face, oh dear Jesus, he was so close now. She could almost feel his heart pounding.

When the hell did he get so freaking close?

His eyes, she was positive they were going to kill her.

They were just so damn blue, so sincere, so... Loving.

Seriously? He hadn't even said anything yet and she was already just about dead.

She wished she'd just die already. She wasn't going to survive this. No. Fucking. Way.

" Liv." The first words out of his mouth. Almost a hushed whisper.

"El..." That was it. All she could get out. God damn it.

" I don't... know what to say." He stated shaking his head.

" Yeah, that's convenient Elliot. Almost a year and a half. That's about all I expected out of you." Well, she had found her voice. And now she was really, REALLY pissed. And now that she was talking, It was on.

" Liv I.."

"Don't even fucking bother Elliot. I don't have time for this." Ok, so maybe it wasn't on, maybe she wasn't talking. Either way, she WAS walking away now.

" Don't walk away. Please." He stated.

He sounded so damn pathetic. She almost stopped. Almost.

" Go to Hell Elliot." Came from over her shoulder, shot back at him. She knew exactly what she was doing. Wasn't so sure she liked it, but she was doing it anyway.

" I'm already there Liv." Ok, that one broke her heart. Even if just a little bit. He was killing her, slowly. She hated this.

"Just turn around." He pleaded. She obeyed.

"Look Elliot, I've got paper work to finish, and a bastard in interrogation that, if he doesn't crack soon, Nick is gonna need some help with. Make this fast." she spat at him.

"Nick?"

She stopped stunned for a second. She didn't even notice who she had just said that name to. He had no idea who he was. At least she was pretty sure he didn't. Now she would have to tell him. Great.

" My partner." That right there, killed him. She could see it. It killed her too. Of course it did. It just sounded, and felt for that matter, wrong to use that title with anyone else's name but Elliot's. Wrong, plain down right, burning in the pits on hell wrong.

She couldn't stand this.

He had nothing to say. He was still wounded from that. But, she knew she couldn't feel sorry for him, it was his fault that his name no longer stood behind that title. His own damn fault. He left, he walked the fuck away.

Bastard.

She'd like to say she didn't understand why. But even if she doesn't want to admit it. She does.

She doesn't understand though, why it has been 22 months and she hasn't heard from him once. That's ridiculous. And he knows it too. She knows he does.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Ok, so there is kind of a line in there from Missy Higgins "Where I stood", and if you know the song you may recognize it. Unfortunately though, I so don't own that. It just kinda came out when I was in the middle of writing this, and it seemed to fit. I didn't even realize that's what line it was until I had already typed it out. My bad. But anyway….. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I so don't own the genius that is SVU, that one goes to Dick Wolf. And I so don't own the genius that is that one line that is kind of from "Where I stood". That one goes to Missy Higgins and her wonderful self. The only thing I do own is the computer I'm writing this on, and the half eaten burrito that is currently sitting next to me.

Ch. 2

Standing there, staring at him, standing there right in front of her seem to sober her up. She wanted so badly to hate him, so badly to be so beyond pissed that she couldn't even speak to him. But all the sudden, she wasn't. Not anymore. Because now, she didn't see the man that up and walked away from her, the one man who was never supposed to abandon her, but did. Now she saw a man who was hurting beyond belief. She saw a man who just wasn't someone she could hate. She saw something familiar…. She saw her partner. She saw El, the man that had meant more to her than anyone she had ever loved at all. The man that had never ceased to be there for her when she needed him. The man that she felt so incredibly attached to she thought she would never break away from him. And now, all she wanted was to be able to look into those familiar blue eyes and not see so much pain. And she wanted him to be able to do the same; and she wanted to not hurt so much anymore.

She saw him swallow, attempt to take a depth breath, and fail. She could see even more hurt creeping in, and she knew that things had just changed. The winds had shifted. He looked at her then, straight into her eyes for the first time since that fateful day, so long ago, in that squad room when everything changed. She could see his face changed, he saw something in her he hadn't seen before, and she could see that. She thought maybe she could describe the look in his eyes, but there just weren't words. He steps closer to her and she can feel her heart fall right out of her chest, again. She knows they aren't alone, that there are plenty of people around them. Hustling and bustling, and hurrying just to get to one place, then have to move onto the next. She knew lives were happening all around them, but just like that day in the squad room, everything and everyone else around them seem to disappear. It was just them, she and him, and that look in his eyes.

She gives a nod and she's gone. But he's right behind her, never far from her. She knows what he's doing; she can feel it in her bones. He's following her, and she knows she'll have to turn around, soon. She makes it five blocks from the station and she finally turns around. He seems out of breath, and she knows it's not physical, but emotional. He looks so broken then, and suddenly she doesn't know what to do. She's seen him broken before; she's even seen him break, but never like this. She tries to take a deep breath, that doesn't turn out so deep, and bows her head. Not for long, just for a second. Just to breathe. Then, she smiles slightly, enough to convince him she's not going to break into tiny little pieces right there in front of him, and tells him "Eight o'clock, door will be unlocked" And walks away. As does he.

Making her way back into the One Six, she tries to set her mind back into work. She fails, miserably. She smiles lightly at the Uni passing her as she enters the elevator and tells herself to snap the fuck out of it. It doesn't work. She's not surprised. Stepping off the elevator she vaguely registers Nick seemingly running toward her. As she looks up, his eyes meet hers, and she's partially broken from her trance, but only partially. "Liv," he starts, clearly out of breath "The hell you been?" he spats. "I tried calling you 3 times." Looking down at the phone in her hand, she notices the flashing notifications. She hadn't even felt it vibrate.

Clearing the notifications, and turning the volume back up, she turns her attention back to Nick. "Sorry, ran into an old uh…. Friend. Got a little distracted. What's up?"

"We found Kaitlyn! We know where she is!" He practically screams, and then, just like that, her trance is completely gone. All thoughts of anything else slipping away.

"Let's go" She tells him, and 2 seconds later, they're both on the elevator and on their way to save a little girl that almost everyone else had given up all hope on.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: I could give you guys my excuse as to why I have been gone… And trust me it's a good one, a really good one, it's valid, but y'all probably couldn't care less… So anyway, Enjoy. And as for any mistakes, my bad.

Disclaimer: I own zip. Nada. Nuthin.

Giving out one last puff of exhausted air, she finally made her way to her front door, slipping the key in, and swinging it open. Only to suck that air right back in. He was there.

She half knew he would be, it was a quarter to 9 after all. But still, seeing him there, sitting on her couch with his shoes slipped off, and the long sleeves to his tee rolled up, a beer in hand and a small smile on his face, took her breath away.

God, he looked so natural sitting there, in her apartment, on her couch, drinking her beer, it seemed so right. She was starting to wonder if she liked it. The turmoil, the hurt, the treacherous slope that came along with being so entangled with someone for 12 years, that you can't even decipher yourself from them anymore. Because coming home to see a man who did nothing short of tear half your heart right out of your chest without so much as a goodbye, and feeling like nothing ever happened, and all was right, and nothing hurt, even if for just a moment before reality comes crashing down, and thinking that seemed right, and feeling like life could actually have some meaning again that didn't come with pain, and devastation, and horrid images of things you will never un-see, has to be wrong. Yes, this was the only man she had every truly loved, but this was also the man with whom she had the most toxic relationship she has ever known.

But even though the pain hurts, it feels good too. And that can't be Ok. It's not Ok. But, she thinks to herself that at that moment it didn't really matter. Because he was there, staring right at her, ready for whatever comes.

She finally moves out of the door way, slamming the door shut behind her, and moves further into her apartment; only to stop again. He's moving, in her direction. And all she can do at the moment is pray that she doesn't lose all ability to think or speak once he gets there. But she doesn't have to think, because he's doing so for her. And after 12 years, and 22 months, no matter whether spent apart, she can read him. She can read him, and his mind. So in turn, when he finally reaches her and just stands there mere inches from her; she knows exactly what he's thinking and exactly what he's saying. She doesn't know if she moved first or if he did, but the next thing she knows she's in his arms, and he's in hers.

She's never felt him hold her so tight. Then again, touching was never their thing. Because saying the things they did to each other with their minds was one thing, but physical interaction was another. That would cross that line, that line that was ever so fragile and important. And it would take away their denial. Mentally made it easier to deny it, but physically would prove to do nothing but shove it in their faces, everything they kept locked and hidden. That even the best key couldn't get into.

It's a long, long moment before they step back. And he's crying, or well almost she thinks. She's seen him really cry only once before, it's a rare sight. "El…." She whispers to him, her hand coming up to stroke his cheek. And he leans, he leans his head into her hand and she can't help but think that this is possibly the most intimate they have been in years. His hands tighten around her waist. "You were right." He says.

"What?" she questions.

"You were right." He says again, adding "But you're wrong too."

She's still looking at him with sheer confusion. She's blank, she has no idea what he's speaking of.

"I have absolutely no fucking idea who I am without that job. But that's not it though, Liv. I have no idea who I am without you." He emphasizes that last part. She knows what he's talking about now.

A few years ago, another hard case hit, and he was merely thinking out loud. Sitting on one of the bunks in the cribs, with her right beside him, he tells her he wonders how it would be if he quit. Or at least left SVU. And she told him he'd be completely lost, because that job is his life. Sure, he has his kids who will always be most important, but that job is who he is. It's under his skin, it's in his blood. Apparently she had been right, spot on.

She thinks she might fall over now because all the sudden, she's having Gitano flash backs. She can remember almost as if it was yesterday, when he told her that she and that job were about the only things he had left. And now, he's telling her just how it feels to lose both.

She doesn't fall though, because the moment he sees that look in her eyes, he tightens his grip even more, and he leans her against him. His head ends up atop hers, and she can feel him taking it all in. She's taking him all in too. His sent, one that she knows all too well by now, how much larger his muscles seem to be, how his chest still feels the same pressed against her as it always has, and how his heartbeat sounds the same. She can remember so many times, where she swore she was going to lose him, so many situations where she thought that was it, it was all over, where she can remember clear as day, what his heartbeat sounded like. Thundering so loud through an alley way, a squad room, a warehouse, that it perminately penetrated its way into her mind. But the times she remembers it best, are in the cribs. Either sitting next to each other on the same bunk, or lying on separate ones. She can always remember being able to hear nothing but the thunder of his heartbeat, and its soothing sound.

She knows they need to move, to sit, to talk, because this isn't an explanation. But it's just so hard to let go, to separate, because she's petrified that if she does he might disappear again. She knows that's hyper irrational, but she just can't explain why she feels this way, and she can't seem to stop.

She doesn't know how long it is before they finally do sit, but she does know that it feels good to take the load off. When she turns her head to look at him, he's smiling. She smiles too. She doesn't know why. Hell, she doesn't even know why he's smiling, but it's contagious. She clears her throat and he shifts closer to her on the couch. As he takes a deep breath and opens his mouth to speak, she beats him to it.

"You broke my heart, ya know?" She tells him, her smiling fading and his alike. "And about now I wonder if you even understand how hard that is for me to admit." She continues. "I felt like the one thing I had left in this world to cling to, just up and fucking walked out the door. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was suffocating. But even though it took almost a year, I finally saw the good in you leaving. I finally understood that through all the pain, and all the goddamn heart ache, there was something good in there. I expanded. I finally found that it was a hell of a lot easier to let other men into my life now that you were gone. I felt like this barrier was lifted, I felt like I could walk forward into a relationship without getting stonewalled just by your presence alone. But then I'd come home alone, after the date or after the night spent with the guy, and you'd come rushing all back again. Every part of you and every part of us. You know it took me months before I could stand to sit and have Chinese with a guy in my apartment without thinking of you, even in the slightest. That freaked me the fuck out. But it just opened my eyes even more. I always knew you were a part of my life Elliot, one of the few major ones I had, but after you left I realized you weren't a part of my life, you were a part of me. And it's really damn hard to detangled yourself from someone who has been such a part of you for over a decade, especially when you're forced to do it without forewarning or closer. But it also made me see everything else I had. Sure, ultimately I'm alone. But it made me realize just how significant my relationship with the rest of the squad was. You wouldn't believe how much I ended up evaluating my relationship with Cap. My hearts probably still broken, I don't really know. Its kinda gone numb at this point. But I need to know why El, I really do. I really need to know why you REALLY left. Because I understand the basics and the meanings to everyone else, but I know no matter what the reasons, they WILL end up meaning something more or even different to me. It's impossible for them not to. It just is."

Looking over, and taking another deep breath, she felt like her heart was going to explode, and she knew she was making that face that he pointed out years ago to her that she makes when she gets real emotional, because he was making that face that he makes when he feels like he's about to break down. And it's heart crushing.


End file.
